I’ve had more than my fair share of narcissists in my life,
but it was not until the news story about therapists diagnosing Donald Trump as
a narcissist that I felt it was worth talking about – publicly. In talking
about it privately, it seemed to me that most people had never heard of
narcissism as a personality disorder, so it was like talking to a blank wall
the few times I attempted it.
Now, I think maybe, just maybe, talking about it may help
someone else. Perhaps, if I write out my take on how narcissists affect a
family, someone out there will recognize the narcissist in their life and be
able to cope a little better. I say cope because really that’s all that can be
done. There’s no changing a narcissist, at least according to what I’ve read
and my own experiences.
At the end of this post, you’ll find a number of links with
the benefit of professional advice and information, so please be aware that the
opinions I express here are just that - opinions, rather informed ones, but
still opinions without the benefit of any professional training.
Recognizing a Narcissist
1 – In my opinion, the number one trait and the easiest to
recognize is the complete and total requirement for others to comply with the
desires of the narcissist. This can range from demanding a certain lifestyle to
having partners, spouses, parents and children that perfectly reflect the image
the narcissist has of her/himself. Or insisting on eating at their choice of
restaurant or agreeing with their opinions (thereby being on their team). Not
going along with those desires can result in outright arguments or simply
passive/aggressive behavior, all aimed at ultimately bringing about whatever it
was the narcissist wanted in the first place.
2 – The second dead-giveaway is the total lack of empathy. An
article from Psychology Today defines empathy as follows: “Empathy can be
defined as a person’s ability to recognize and share the emotions of another
person, fictional character, or sentient being. It involves, first, seeing
someone else’s situation from his perspective, and, second, sharing his
emotions, including, if any, his distress.” (click here for the full article).
While narcissists can express and feel sympathy, they cannot
put themselves in the place of others. Things like gift-giving can be excruciating
for them, and in fact, they are usually very bad at it because selecting a
great present for someone requires being able to know intuitively what another
would like.
They will often make outrageously insensitive remarks because
they cannot understand what a comment’s effect will have on another and in many
cases, just don’t care.
3 – Narcissists cannot accept fault for anything. It is too
painful because they are so emotionally fragile. In fact, in my experience, a
narcissist cannot be wrong. Even if they occasionally mouth the words, “I was
wrong,” they don’t really believe it.
Some narcissists will have learned key phrases that are socially
acceptable and even how to use them at the appropriate moments, but seldom mean
it if the phrase reflects “badly” on them.
4 – Lying is just another in their bag of tricks for narcissists
to get what they want. Often, the story will change several times, according to
what makes them look the best and again, get what they want.
5 – The traditional description of a narcissist includes a
sense of grandiosity – their own importance. This can be a bit deceiving, I
think, because while that’s certainly descriptive of someone like Trump, some with
apparent insecurity may not display this trait or sometimes, it appears as
a sense of entitlement rather true self-importance. More of “they owe me this”
rather than “I’m better than so and so”.
6 – Because the under-lying sense of self-esteem is so low
for narcissists (although they may display high self-esteem), they tend to collect imagined slights. Things that are not
intended as a put-down may be interpreted that way with obsessive over-analysis.
Narcissists have long mental lists of people who have “done them wrong” and keep a
full accounting of all the things each has done to the “victim.” There is
usually a shifting “scapegoat”, the person most at fault with them at that
moment. Most people in their lives will eventually be given that position at
one point or another. The one exception is the person who is most fulfilling
their needs, which leads into the last attribute I will describe in this piece...
7- Narcissists are basically big bags of emotional needs
which can never be completely satisfied and in their pursuit anyone is fair
game. They are ultimately users who demand rather than ask for their over-sized
needs to be fulfilled. If you’re deeply involved with a narcissist you’ve
noticed that you seem very, very important to them until you’ve provided their
current need. Then you may become invisible until the next time they need
someone to go to the movie, they’ve selected, with them, or to agree with them in
an argument against someone else, etc. Remember, that you can never, ever truly
satisfy a narcissist, because the minute you’ve fulfilled one need (without
acknowledgement in most cases) another arises.
In a family or work situation, narcissists wreak havoc. To
say they create dysfunctional situations is a complete understatement. They are
like whirling dervishes, (from Urban Dictionary):
(n.) A person whose behavior
resembles a rapid, spinning object. These actions are often spastic fidgeting
and incessant babbling. The actions of the whirling dervish are irritating and
annoying, often exhausting other people in the immediate vicinity.
Once you’ve accepted that the person in your life is indeed a
narcissist (a very difficult realization if you happen to love them) you have
very few options. Even the most positive assessments for the prognosis of
narcissists don’t hold out much hope for treatment or change. Therefore, the
choices are 1) go along or 2) get out.
Sometimes, there is only one choice – to go along because of
family circumstances. If that’s the situation you’re in, consider getting help.
A therapist or support group can give you tips on how to best handle your
narcissist and if nothing else, someone educated to understand that with which you’re
dealing.
Narcissists tend to develop co-dependent relationships and
depend heavily on those to survive. This is too simple an examination to go
into this at length, but since I can think of three of these situations off the
top of my head, I will say that if a person has been co-dependent with a
narcissist for any length of time the chances of that person recognizing it is
very slim – again, in my humble opinion – but there’s always hope with therapy.
I sincerely hope that this post will assist someone in
spotting a narcissist that is killing their chances of a happy life and maybe figuring
a way out.
Misty - I really appreciate your feedback on this one. It was one of the toughest posts I've ever written.
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